Thursday, November 15, 2007

10 Easy Steps to Becoming a Best-Selling Christian Author

by: Scott Douglas

Step One – Degrees, degrees, and more degrees. No one can be a Christian author without having several degrees. This presents the false image that you are smart, and therefore are perfectly capable of writing a propaganda novel.

Several Christian institutes offer degrees for people who don’t actually attend college, or do any work—take full advantage of these. Stay away from institutes that offer BA’s and MA’s—go right for the PhD programs, then people will think you’re super smart.

Step Two – Start up non-profit organizations. This will give the false image that you are a good person, and therefore are perfectly capable of writing a propaganda novel. There’s really no need to spend anytime running these organizations—it’s the name that’s important, so spend all of your time coming up with a really catchy name. Keep in mind that no one is going to actually research that this is a legitimate non-profit organization, so don’t stress out when you start feeling guilty for not actually doing anything. Christian’s never actually do research, so you’re in the clear on this one.

Step Three – Research. If people are going to take you seriously, then you have to pretend you have spent researching your book. How do you research a topic that you haven’t even thought up yet? Easy, you don’t. You don’t actually research during this step—you just have to make people think you did. Spend time in the library reading comics; this will help you while trying to think up funny antidotes for your yet to be written story.

Step Four – Think up what you’re going to write about. Don’t worry about knowing anything about your topic—you can get this experience after you complete the book. Think up something controversial and catchy. Don’t worry about creating a factual story in this step—you can make truth later. Writing about a group of liberal scientist using stem cell research to create cloned homosexual monkeys, for example, would be a perfect topic—it’s timely, controversial, and catchy.

Step Five – Attend Christian writing conferences. This will give you time to relax, while making your family believe you are working on something important. Talk to agents, editors, and other writers about what you are currently working on. Make sure you emphasize your achievements running non-profit organizations, and your multiple degrees—this will really impress them.

Step Six – Write. You will learn quickly about procrastination, so set goals. Spend no more then two weeks writing your book; this time span will prevent you from being tempted into conducting research and interviews. It’s important to write whatever pops into your mind. This will give the book lots of energy.

Step Seven – Create truth. If you have written about something that doesn’t really exist, then make it exist. For example, if you were writing about liberal scientist using stem cell research to create cloned homosexual monkeys, take the time now to fund such research.

Step Eight – Give yourself creditability. This step is especially important if you have written about something you do not know about. Don’t spend time learning factual information about the topic, there really is no need, and you want to get the book publish ASAP so you can write several more just like it.

Step Nine – Publish your book. If no respectable publisher takes you seriously, then self-publish. Publishers will be begging to sign your next book once they see you racking in the dough.

Step Ten – Travel the lecture circuit. This step is important if you want people to actually buy your book. Remember that when lecturing, the angrier you sound, the more people will take you seriously and buy your book. Also, remember to spend at least ten to twenty minutes boasting about your multiple PhDs and how you single-handedly started several non-profit organizations that the world has greatly benefited from.

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